This Saturday, Sara and I discovered a dairy-based crime and had to take parental action.
The children were out of the house, which can only mean one thing:
Mere minutes into our hardcore tidy up, we made a shocking discovery: poorly hidden underneath a bean bag chair was an entire block of butter, unwrapped, with teeth marks in it. Although I am well on my way to a life of permanent wheezy chubbiness, I haven’t yet resorted to straight up chomping on butter; I don’t live in a Midwestern State Fair.
We knew immediately that this was the work of one Ethan Warner. He had the means, in that he could reach the butter, and he had the motive, in that he could reach the butter.
Earlier, just before breakfast, Ethan had been spotted in his indoor playhouse, staying there for a mysteriously long time, and then remained there despite the availability of Marmite-slathered toast. Sure enough, that’s where the butter wrapper was.
Poor quality pictures were taken for evidence/future nostalgia trips.
We had to bust this butter bandit. It may SOUND hilarious – because it is – but what does every single serial killer have in common? Dairy larceny. Look it up.
****SMASH CUT TO****
Dinner time. An unsuspecting Ethan was eating, unaware of the interrogatory HAMMER that was about to crash through his little world.
Sara ‘Firm But Fair’ Jenkinson, former primary school teacher, conducted the interrogation. Jason ‘Poor University Grades Prevented Him From Becoming A Teacher’ Warner observed.
I was staring at Ethan’s face when she asked him about the butter. When he realised what Sara was getting at, I could see the flicker of recognition in his eyes. More specifically, if you can imagine the expression ‘Bemused ‘Oh Shit” on a near-4-year old, you’ll get the idea.
Sara asked him if he had taken the butter.
Ethan did not admit it. Instead, Ethan leaned back in the chair, spit to the side and said, ‘I ain’t talkin’ without my lawyer.’ You know, it’s typical. You try to be a good parent. You try to show your child the complex, morally grey universe we live in by showing him the first season of The Wire and all he takes away is you gotta lawyer up.
Actually, Ethan remained very composed and countered with – and this is nearly an exact quote – “I have a question for you – are you going to put me in time out?”
What a wily evasion. I was so proud. ‘I don’t know if I’m going to put you in time out or not,’ Sara said, ‘it’s important that you tell us the truth.’
Sara and Ethan went back and forth in this way for a good 3 minutes. Finally, on threat of time out AND toy confiscation, Sara asked him one more time why he took the butter.
Ethan said, and this IS an exact quote:
‘Well, I was feeling ill…and my body shouted for butter.’
This is the funniest thing Ethan’s ever said. This is the funniest thing that any child has ever said.
Look, no one’s body has ever shouted for butter. Even Paula Deen’s body – itself 98% butter (with the remaining 2% made of racism) – has never shouted for butter. No one has ever used that phrase before in any language. Just think of all the events that had to transpire, from the Big Bang through that moment, all the coincidences and happenstances, for a perfect, beautiful phrase like that to Butter Bang into existence.
When your child utters a completely new, bananas phrase like that, any hope of professional interrogation standards is obliterated. We both completely failed to stifle laughter. Sara eventually got Ethan to admit that he had indeed taken the butter, because he hoped it was cheese. When he bit into it, he found that ‘it was disgusting.’ He now knows to keep butter where it belongs – smeared on every possible food imaginable.
We let him off with a warning since it was only his first food felony. We’ve averted his serial killer destiny. Just another day on the front lines of the gritty Law and Udder: Special Creamy Unit.